


Clamor & Haunt

by ghostlypng



Series: nebulae are of a vast size [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Breakups, Implied Intimacy, M/M, PTSD, Sad Ending, Unbeta'd, shiro centric, sorry for any typos, talk of memory loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-09-26 07:56:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9874604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostlypng/pseuds/ghostlypng
Summary: Shiro stuggles to be there for his team. Keith steadies him. Or tries to.(formerly titled "Symphony")





	1. Staggering

**Author's Note:**

> i write mostly on my mobile so chapters will possibly be short. hope you enjoy though.

Jolting upright in bed with sweaty feet and legs tangled in sheets that looked black in the dark, Shiro breathed heavy. 

The words "Don't let go." at the end of his dream faded to a chant of let go let go let go.  
He laid back down, trying to forget but he didn't fall back asleep that night. 

Allura called the paladins for training. A war wouldn't wait for properly trained soldiers. They needed to fight together. Shiro wasn't religious but he was tired so he prayed for things to go smoothly. 

"Stop. Stop!" The way Lance and Keith continued to argue was biting down on Shiro's eardrums with an intention of puncturing through to his brain. It was useless to try and ease it by rubbing his temples but he went through the motion anyway. Even going so far as to close his eyes. "You two.. If you're going to bicker like kids then do it somewhere away from me."

Hunk, Pidge and most of all, Keith had the decency to looked shamed. Lance continued to be confused a moment past the rest. His mouth formed a silent "Oh." when he caught up that half beat later. Shiro wasn't waiting to see if he'd offended Lance. He was already walking out of the room. Keith followed. 

"Shiro. Hey." Keith half-jogged to catch up to Shiro and matched his longer stride.

"Keith. Not right now."

"No listen I know there's a lot going on but at least let me make sure you're okay." Let me care about you. 

"It's just a headache." 

"You don't have to pretend Takashi."

"I wouldn't fake a headache." They had both stopped at some point while talking. It was clear Keith had more he wanted to say but Shiro didn't wait for him to figure it out, moving again. This time, Keith didn't follow. 

He knew Keith cared. Loved him. Wanted him to be okay. Shiro just couldn't fully let go. 

It wasn't pride that held him down. It was fear. What if he looked in the mirror and saw "The Champion" every time? He'd rather keep it to the now and again when his memories tried to pry themselves out of his head by splitting it in two. Fighting the unease brought by the sight of his own eyes glowing yellow. It was the unfamiliarity. It put him on edge, was terrified he could forget who he was. There would be another time to talk. He hoped. 

 

"Hey Keith. Do you.." Shiro rubbed the back of his neck, just a touch hesitant from nerves. "Could we talk for a moment?" Keith looked confused because it couldn't be about the mission. It was Shiro chewing on the question of What were we before. 

They met in the hall, making small talk as they walked aimlessly through the castle. 

"You uh, asked to talk?" 

Shiro could hear the hesitance in Keith's question. He doubted Keith assumed he was angry with him but he still wondered. Keith continued before Shiro could reply.

"Did you remember something?" His tone was a little more excited. Shiro hated to disappoint.

"Not this time. I actually wanted to ask you about it though." 

"Oh?" Keith was obvious with curiousity now.

Shiro counted his steps and the lines in the floor they passed over. It took him exactly thirteen steps to pass over three lines which made the metal floor tiles approximately five feet in length and he suddenly realized Keith was waiting for him to speak.

"Sorry aha.." Shiro tried not to feel guilty over being nervous. "I wanted to ask, because I still haven't remembered, what was it like before? Between us." He gestured in the space between them. 

Keith surprised him by laughing. Shiro smiled in response but this was Keith. That laugh could take the conversation in any direction. Shiro knew he was ready though. He had asked after all. 

Keith didn't make him wait for elaboration. "We weren't anything Shiro. Friends maybe but not anything else." 

"Really?" That answer genuinely surprised Shiro. Keith had been there to rescue him on Earth. They trained together. Ate together. Sometimes showered and went to bed together. He relied so much on Keith's bright presence now. It seemed wrong and discombobulating that he hadn't before. 

"Well yeah?" Keith was looking at him a bit wary and slightly hesitant now. He didn't want to disrupt too much too quickly for the other man. "I was only a cadet Shiro." He said it gently, afraid to break up the fantasy he was concerned Shiro had created.


	2. Crescendo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short chapter. lots of shiro thinkin' about stuff.

"Do you like that?" Keith was stuck on asking Shiro that over and over like mixed tape with only had variations of the same song on it. No matter how you shuffled, the lyrics wouldn't be no different. He was having a hard time telling if Keith was seriously asking or trying to be sexy. He settled for somewhere in the middle, groaning and nodding and patiently repeating back the word "Yes." at Keith every time.    
  
Keith touched him like he had edges as sharp as a knife and a fear of being sliced open by those edges. It made their intimacy so much less and so much more. A carefully crafted piece of soft touches and an every rushing flow of quiet words to encourage. He wasn't sure who was more frightened of these moments, Keith or himself. Or maybe it was Allura and the rest of the team. Any and all of these options were undesirable. He would start to wonder “Why am I so scared?”

That ache inside him is a secret. Blooming brightest at night when no one is there to keep him from rushing straightforward into falling from a cliff and into deep, murky waters that remind him just exactly how far he is from the people he has made himself closest to. 

Shiro knows in a way he is close. Close enough to each person of his team to feel solid mass when he places a hand on their shoulder. To feel the them brushing his mind. Only, still too far from understanding and being understood in return. Except for Keith.   
  
Their fingers come together, chilled in the vast swirling limitless place that the universe is made of. Words too loud for the moment, they sit in the afterglow with silence and wonder.  _ Is this really okay? _   The thought of happiness in spite of everything taking place around them is frightening. It strikes like lightning but often and repeatedly into the same spot. It illuminates the many questions starting of why and how. It brings Shiro back to the very things he came to Keith to shield himself from.   
  
His nightmares call like cruel children taunting on the playground, seeking weakness to pry him back apart. These are the nights he lies awake with eyes at least half open and mouth tightened so hard it makes his teeth grind together. It hurts to stay lying in bed. To be compressed by by his fear while Keith sleeps soundless beside him. But he knows it would hurt Keith to wake up alone. 

  
Shiro feels outside of his body. Watching himself watch Keith. “If angels are on Earth.. Are there angels in space too?” Keith doesn’t stir.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes they have sex but they are both consenting adults here.  
> shiro has trauma. not sure on how to tag it?
> 
> feedback??? comments are useful.


	3. Cacophony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An addition of nightmares and the fracturing of a relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta'd, written on mobile and sad.

Keith has him crowded into the wall, barely leaving him to catch his breath between each kiss. His gentle fingertips running down the middle of Shiro’s throat, careful and reverent of the blood pulsing underneath. The space Shiro inhabits is a little too small. A little too dim. Too close to a reminder of those things he pushes down deep. Things he is not yet ready to face. Memories race to the surface of his thought pool.

The dark and dampness of a cold metal room. The hollowing echoing of water that drips at a staccato. Turning his head, inside to the outside. He's going to go mad inside those four walls that have appeared behind his eyelids. He doesn’t recall the moment when he closed his eyes. He can feel the desperation shaking him. Tapping at his chest, off beat from the running water and calling his name desperately. It calls him with Keith’s voice.  _ Shiro. Shiro! SHIRO! _ Oh how he wants it to be Keith warm and solid in his arms. 

Neither man can breathe in the empty void of space. Keith catches him as he’s passing into unconsciousness.   
  
Shiro wakes up in bed. Begins a slow descent from his mind back into his body. He’s aware first of the ache of his muscles. Then comes feeling the chill of the room that has the hair of an arm standing up and nerves echoing the feeling on his other side almost as if sympathetic to the machinery that can’t understand the sensation. He fights panic by opening his eyes.

He does not need a mirror to know there is damage that lingers and clings. It’s the motivation of why Shiro must be the one always pursuing so that he does not have to face himself. He chases the memory of Keith’s mouth on his. Being so weak to stubborn and impulsive Keith. Keith falling on him like a house on fire. Tries to recall the interlude between that and this. This time he only feels choked.

“Shiro!” It’s Lance who is the first to notice Shiro’s opened his eyes. “He’s up guys!” Pidge and Allura come the closest. Keith stays the farthest. Guilty, Shiro is glad there is space between them. They’ll have privacy later. Shiro already knows Keith will forgive him when he breaks them back into two pieces. Pidge, Allura and Keith trade places while he wretches. He feels so much more than just worse as the others clean the room then clear out.

Shiro handles secrets like they are needles. Preferring not to sugarcoat things because it made them worse. Sugar would stay in a way that would last and invite things to stick. Yet he cannot make himself speak. Shiro is sure his words will be like knives. Knows that even Keith, who has a fascination with blades, will cut himself on these. So he puts it off. Waits for Keith to come to him first. Keith leaves him to sleep alone for two nights. Impulsiveness brings him back the third. 

“Keith.” Shiro tries to start but Keith is pushing at his shirt like he wants to fit himself inside it with Shiro. The warm skin does not distract. It brings up the dream of a memory of the witch wearing Shiro’s skin, reminding him of what is in his own head. “Keith stop.” It’s only for a moment but they push back at each other. 

“I knew it. I knew it was me.” Keith is unforgiving of himself.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking Keith but what happened to me isn’t for you to blame on yourself.” Shiro looks at Keith like a planet orbiting a star. He cannot resist the pull of the burning red paladin. It is too much to rely on someone else for your own strength. He has to pull away.

“If I hadn’t been so pushy before you might not’ve gotten sick.” Codewords to soften the idea of Shiro’s panic attack.

“It still wasn’t your fault.” They spread the feelings of guilt and blame in the space between the two them like a river, rushing and overflowing in a rainstorm. “I need..” Shiro searches for his words. Space? They are surrounded by it. Time? They could die at any moment. To be alone? He spent a year in a sort of solitude. A year he cannot quite remember yet he still fears the dark. 

“Hey. It’s okay.” Keith startles him. “I’m gonna go to bed.” He slips free from Shiro’s space, quietly walking out of the room with a wave and a smile that is one part tired, one part sad and one part lonely. 

  
One hundred divided by three is thirty three point three percent continuing. Shiro knows this calculation by heart. It stretches on into infinity behind his eyelids till he falls asleep worrying how Keith, like that fraction, will never quite add up to a whole again. All because of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100% headcanon that Shiro would be the type of nerd to do math in his head in every day situationspre-kerb and then continue as a coping skill post-kerb
> 
> feedback??


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